Ok first I need to be honest with you all; Yes, I have seen the latest film in the Twilight series; Beaking Dawn. You know the one with the sparkly ‘vegetarian’ vampires that make young girls swoon and have spawned a whole bunch of fancy-pantsy vampire models. None of the original soul and mythology inherent in the original Bram Stoker versions.
But yes, I did see the latest offering. I have no excuses, except one. I was drugged and forced to watch it. Pormise. Roofied with some kinda new drug that allows all cognitive functions and forces one to want to watch ‘gay shit’ (as one of the boys so eloquently described the whole series)
So here I am writing to you guys, having just painted my nails with my new ‘Hello Kitty’ nail polish and am like totally lol about the new movie! I mean hello! Edward and Jacob are so like amazing!...dammit! Roofies must still be in my system.
Let me start by saying that I totally understand the packaging that this product comes in, and has found wide spread popularity as a result…also spawning a set of sequels that has echoed with it’s target market (little swoony teenage girls…and now me) even finding cross appeal into a wider, older (read: should know better) audience. But seriously? What the F%@K! Or as me and my BFFs like to say WTF!!! Im so lolling right now!
If you have seen the movie no doubt you would have found as much of the plot as humorous as I did. It does seem to be a film that’s half horror, half comedy and complete soapie! If I am completely honest and I let my film studies background come out; it’s a movie that suffers a bit of an identity crisis and switches from one extreme to the next.
I knew the movie was gonna be cringeworthy when the first scene shows the choir-boy with pecs (you know the one that turns into a badly animated dog) takes his shirt off within literally the first minute. Swoon! I mean Barf …but when the first half of the narrative is all about weddings and happy go lucky smiles and everyone living in teeny bopper heaven I rarely couldn’t stand to watch. Luckily those drugs were strong! Basically, pretty consistent with the earlier movies in the series!
Yes…I know…its my fault I was there in the first place. But those damn roofies were strong! Promise. At least the choir-boy-with-pecs was slightly more interesting in this movie than the previous ones, although his acting attempts to look angry the majority of the movie just got irritating after a while. (You’d think after 2hours he would have eventually got it right). Also you’d think they’d get some good actors for this show. Even that ginger in the Harry Potter movies was more versatile!
Oh and don’t even get me started on the other 20 mins of the opening stages (after the wedding festivities) that basically was a drawn out depiction of an 18yr old girl losing her virginity. Seriously? And I think I was the only one in the cinema unable to look for the entire 20 mins as all the movie did was go on and on ad-naseam about Bella’s de-flowing by her new vamp husband. Yeah one of the sparkly ones.
I guess here they wanted to address their target market again, maybe along the line of what a big thing it is in a young girls life and Bella did it the right way, at 18 and married. But c’mon! What kind of a freaking message is this movie sending young girls anyway?
This chick after all the crap she puts herself through, marries a killer, literally a vampire, if that isn’t self-destructive than I don’t know what is, and proceeds to get married at 18!!!! Freaking hell is this the Middle Ages or what? Just so he can then turn her into a Vampire (read: thing that eats humans and is half dead). WTF!
And then shit gets really effed up!
She gets pregnant.
After losing her virginity to an undead blood sucker (sparkly dandy boy), she freaking falls pregnant with his demon spawn. Mothers!!! I would never let my daughter watch this s&#t. And the most hectic part…it’s such a messed up spawn of Satan that is grows unbelievably fast and starts to suck the life out of her. At least the movie starts to get interesting at this point. I mean at this stage I’ve been sitting in that cinema for an hour, roofied for one and a half, and not one person has been bitten, maimed, killed, no action whatsoever! Worst pansy arsed munch of vampires ever.
Oh my goodness! Bram Stoker is turning in his grave as we speak.
And then she decides to have the baby although its killing her! Literally eating her from the inside out…WEIRD. But she loves it anyway…as has been her self destructive tendencies throughout these movies. If she found a bag of venomous vipers she’s probably try and use them for a pillow.
And lets not even begin to talk about how messed up the birth is…Blood and guts everywhere! Our slightly unhinged heroine is an emaciated tomboy at this point, and then to get the demon spawn out, our sparkly dandy hero actually bites her open! WTF OMG! My delicate teenage sensibilities were shaken. I almost couldn’t go on MiXit for a week!
And then the little choir boy runs off all ‘angry’, or was he constipated? Couldn’t quite make out what he was going for. When you gotta go you gotta go after all.
Luckily 'Renesme'…literally the worst baby name in the history of baby names…I haven’t laughed that hard for a while…is saved by choir-boy-with-pecs when the other wolves want to come and kill the little terribly named spawn of satan. Even the spawn of a demon doesn’t deserve a name that hideous.
But luckily Jacob turns out to be a pedophile and ‘imprints’ on the tiny baby before all is lost.
Phew…close one.
So there we have it…literally the worst movie as far as parental messages go. A self-destructive decidedly tomboyish lead actress who’s toughest decision is to love a walking blood sucking corpse or an overgrown badly animated dog. Not even to mention how messed up that whole pregnancy and birth things is! Roofies firmly worn off by then…out of pure shock and horror!
Come to think of it…Bram stoker would actually be pretty proud.
Watch this:
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