Ok I admit it, I saw the final installment of the sparkly vampire movies.
So there, admitting it makes me a little more manly right? Yeah didn't think so either.
Well what I can say is that this final *ahem* masterpiece really deserves every bit of its reputation; As crap.
At least these movies excel in their consistency (as consistently crap).
Movies are after all about entertainment aren't they? That is the primary driving factor that makes us head to the cinema or switch on the tube isn't it? There are after all, some really fun low IQ films out there, and although devoid of any moral or ethical message or soul, they still manage to engage the audience in some way and maybe enthral the senses just a little, if only for a moment.
Kinda like that Prometheus movie: The first half started so well; full of the kind of mystery and intrigue that draws the audience in (just pity about the second half though).
Or that Coyote Ugly movie, that featured what must have been one of the best trailers ever! Twas just a pity about the actual movie though. Both films actually entertain in some form or other, but this film? Not even close.
I've criticised these movies before, and this sequel continues in much the same vein as the previous installments; that is: Leave your IQ at the door, along with any semblance of taste you may have, because we will tell you what to like and here it is, a steaming pile of excrement on the screen. And don't expect even a teensy tiny little bit entertainment value to arrive at any stage during your torture...and it's STILL filled with peadophiles, devil spawn and overgrown dogs. And what is so absolutely amazing to me is not that it has these elements, I have accepted their presence since the last movie, still don't understand them though, but it just kinda goes about its business ignoring these facts.
This one failed on so many accounts it was painful. Really painful, physically and mentally so. Not as in cringe like 'Meet The Fockers' cringe, but going to the dentist when-they-put-that-horrible-cotton-wool-crap-in-your-mouth cringe.
(I actually think I dropped a few IQ points watching this s%&*, which is nothing to scoff at...I don't have all that many to spare).
Despite my growing queasiness, while is sat there I couldn't help but wonder to myself: "Are people this stupid?" And more to the point: "Are young teens this stupid?" That is who mostly watches this fancy pantsy, pansy (see what I did there?) crap isn't it? Its not just 30-year old dudes who like subjecting themselves to cinematic torture, surely?
Are the youth of today that much dumber than they were two decades ago when Kurt Cobain was remaking the teen music scene? Did we have any movies this bad when we were young(er)? The only trilogies I could remember growing up were AWESOME! Indiana Jones, Back to The Future, Star Wars... Perhaps it's the appearance of the female teen audience in recent times that has given scope to such an atrocity of cinema? But how can that be? I thought all young girls where funny and witty like in Juno. Except less pregnant.
It must be a good thing if this emergence of the young female POV has gained a mouthpiece...but surely young girls aren't this moronic? And why does a set of movies like these Twilight ones speak to them like they are? Please someone correct me on this, or help me out. I'm really struggling to get my head around it. Does anyone have an intelligent female role model who is in touch with this audience on speed dial? Britney Spears? Oh no wait...maybe Lindsay Lohan...she probably doesn't have her mobile in jail...ok ok maybe Taylor Swift? Or maybe she's busy breaking up with someone again and telling them how much she hates them. Dammit. Gaga...ok I just gagged. Gaga, gagged (see I still clefer I promus yoos)
Well anyway, objectively although the first half of the movie is freaking terrible, it does get a bit better when the massive fight between our heroes (the original sparkly vampires) and the Jedi Council, oh sorry, I mean the Vol-something-or-other, begins. (They're the gothic ones that apparently run things...And are a lot more interesting than the Brady bunch come vegetarian vampire gang.)
Thankfully the big fight is almost half the movie! Because if I ever had to hear someone say the name "Renesmé" one more time I might've lost my mind! Or vomited. Or both.
And still with the whole paedophile thing! When the wolf/gotta-take-my-shirt-off-ASAP guy 'imprints on the child' I still cannot help but gag. Think about it. It's disgusting.
 |
| Little young for him? |
At least our new vampire heroin gets upset at one stage, well kind of. At least there is some reference to how overboard the concept is. Well...that is before being completely distracted by all the awesome sex her and her 100 year old sparkly demon spawn boyfriend are having. Wasn't this a movie for young girls?
Oh no it's cool, they're married, and she's also a vampire now. Sweet. So let me get this right: he stole her soul, her virginity and now her life...awesome. Think Bram Stoker would probably approve of that.
So yeah, the fight; cool because some of the main characters die. And that seems to add a bit of actual meaning to the story, and make things a bit more interesting (read: tolerable) and at the very least, a bit more entertaining. Sadly at the end though; the film pulls a; 'JR Ewing in Dallas/ Magnolia' moment (waking up and it's all a dream). Where the audience is reassured the fight never actually happened and the Brady Bunch sparklies are all as safe as ever. Which really is a pity because the narrative almost grew a pair there for a moment. (like totes crazy like Oooooh eemmmmmM Geeeee) but ALAS! our heroes are safe, even our paedophile! Thank barbie and her unicorn.
I can just imagine Juno saying something witty right about now, oh she's such a kidder that one.
Well I guess that's all there is to say about that. Or rather all I want to say cause I'm over this subject. I could go on trying to find the metaphors and cinematic genius in the film, but there aren't any. It is still undeniably an good feat of marketing and a clear example how audiences can be told what to see as opposed to judging for themselves. After all in the end these films have poured a crap load of cash into its makers' pockets.
And I guess it's not really aimed at me. Although the little teenage girl inside of me, hated the film just as much as the rest of me.
To be fair, not the worst out of all the sequels. But that's not saying all that much.
Smooches
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